This might be one of the hardest posts I’ve written. I have a confession to make, I am a food addict. I self-medicate my emotions with food and pretend that everything is ok. I eat a box of Girl Scout cookies just because I can’t sleep and then post about my workout like it can undo the damage. The thing is, I’ve been living this lie and life for so long it’s just second nature.
Several years ago I committed to a plant based or vegan lifestyle. I did really good for awhile and then began to let things creep back in all while maintains a facade in public. The worst part is I really do feel overall better without dairy and meat, but in the moment, nothing satisfies my brain but cheese or fast food. The more I let slip the more I justify that it’s just this one time (nope not true) or that no one will know( yeah, but your body doesn’t lie).
The absolute truth from this is that I have gained over 20 pounds and keep looking for an excuse, anything other than I am doing this to myself. You see, I know I am running up against genetics. I have family members who have had heart failure, diabetes, and gastric bypass. I have been told all my life I have their build, and I have used that as an excuse. The lie I tell myself – Why should I try if it’s inevitable? The truth is I should be trying twice as hard to prevent it. I should be putting myself first, but I don’t.
I recently saw the doctor, I asked for labs just to prove something else was causing the weight gain. Guess what, my labs actually said I was plenty healthy, except that I might be missing meals. My average blood sugar was lower than normal. I know the truth behind that number. I often starve during the day and binge at night. Nights are tough for me, I suffer from anxiety, which causes insomnia, which worsens the anxiety. I turn to food, hence the box of Girlscout cookies, and then swear I’ll do better by not eating the next day. Because surely that will balance out right? So wrong! My body is in a constant state of stress so it’s just holding on to those pounds.
You know, it feels so good to get this all out. By confessing, I no longer will need to pretend everything is ok. It’s not, and I have a lot to relearn about eating and exercising before I will be recovered. However, if you’ll join me, I promise to keep it real and be truthful and share everything I learn.